FATAL attraction.

There are times when I wish I had never gone back to him. I cannot believe my own audacity, or the willingness with which I ran back into his arms. Then I think to myself, “If I could go back in time knowing what I know now, would I change anything? Would I do anything different?” When it comes to Jared, I cannot say with complete honesty that I would. And the realization of this fact scares me very much. Love makes you do crazy things. The power that a person can have over another is truly fascinating…and not in a good way. Of course, the ideal situation is to learn from your mistakes and take the lessons you received from the bad experiences with you to the next chapter. More often than not however, you usually jump headfirst into the next unhealthy relationship–sometimes even worse than the previous one. There were so many signs of heartbreak, but I ignored them and sometimes even adopted his unhealthy behaviors just to feel like I was running alongside him…that I was “on his level.”

My relationship with my biological father has really taken a turn for the worst. To say that I believe it is doomed is an understatement. I’m angry at him all the time, we fight like cats and dogs and I honestly feel deep inside me that he is without help. I could go on and on about how he makes me feel and the things that keep us from building a long, healthy relationship, but I would simply never stop typing….. I know that my relationship with Jared has a direct effect on my relationship with my father. The saddest part is, my father came into my life at the exact time that Jared left it. I had nothing to give my father but a bunch of broken little pieces of myself. A complete loss of my “sense of self” had washed over me; I was in a state of complete shock. I wonder if I am still experiencing symptoms of post-traumatic stress disorder. With PTSD,  you can often have the feeling of re-experience. It can feel like you are re-living the pain just as it hit you at the initial moment. PTSD can also make you “emotionally numb” and cause you to react t0 totally unrelated situations in a way that you normally would not. This is very interesting  because at times, my mind feels like it’s rushing to place I don’t want to go. After so many times, the brain can train itself to retreat or react to a certain situation in anger and sometimes even rage. This is the beginning of a behavior changing into a habit. I do not want anger to become habit.

Until we pass through this valley, it seems to be that the only thing that I can do right now is try to re-train my brain. Until I can cognitively accept these truths and possibly begin to cherish them, I must save my sanity and keep myself as close to “me” as I can. I used to write all the time…maybe I’ll pick that up again. We are always telling ourselves to make time in our day for ourselves, to set aside a few moments to do something important to us. It’s time to stop making excuses, Kelsey!! I have started to employ breathing techniques and can honestly say this helps…for about 5 minutes. 🙂

It is amazing to me to discover how many tendencies those in situations like this one are prone to exhibiting. Even though I have him now, has too much time passed between us? Or maybe it’s the kind of time. By the time I found out about him, I had done so much of my growing up…I had become myself through my experiences and my life at that time was defined by my independence. It seems like I am placing blame on my father–but it’s much different than that. I’m just still so very unsure. Mother told me to “never talk to strangers,” but here I am depending on one.

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