a story without end.

When I began this blog a few months ago,  I had no idea that it would turn out to be such a form of therapy. I wanted to tell my story. In doing so, I hoped to better understand my situation and hopefully help others who may have a story like mine. In researching different aspects of what happened in my life, I had many hits and misses. Unfortunately, I was unable to find anything that really compared to my situation. I did, however, discover that I am not alone in my search for identity or lack thereof.

I find that more often than not, people who are trying to find their birth parents have a much more difficult time trying to locate them, and many are unsuccessful. The process of locating relatives is a long, difficult, and sometimes painful process. Even though my situation is multifaceted and much different from other people’s, I can still say that when I finally did come face to face with my biological father, the face of the problem turned into more of an opportunity than a disappointment.



is the juice worth the squeeze?

“Some of you say, ‘Joy is greater than sorrow,’ and others say, ‘Nay, sorrow is the greater.’ But I say unto you, they are inseparable. Together they come, and when one sits alone with you at your board, remember that the other is asleep upon your bed.”–Kahlil Gibran (The Prophet)

It has been said and widely agreed upon that it takes between 21-28 days to form a habit. Some say it takes the same amount of time to break a habit. I disagree. If anything, I would assume it takes double this time to stop doing something you have made into a behavior. When something becomes so ingrained in your mind, the neural pathways of your mind become trained to think a certain way…or jump to a specific conclusion or way of thinking. Although I am only speaking from my personal experience, I believe that this is a natural human delimma…Have you ever thought your mind or your thoughts are betraying what your heart is feeling? This is another issue that science seeks to answer: Does the battle between head and heart truly exist? I am here to say…no to SCREAM!!!! from the rooftops that it does.

I have been back in Oklahoma and here in Stillwater for about 10 months now. It is hard to believe that in June, I will have lived in this “new chapter in my life” for almost a year. As this semester comes near to a close, and I consider my “level of happiness” if you will…(I figure I should gauge my feelings of my surroundings and new family at this point in time and measure them to what I consider to be acceptable for myself.) Is this where I wanted to be almost one year ago? Is this what I envisioned for myself and my future? Am I satisfied? Am I doing what is right for me…or rather, am I doing what I want? Is the JUICE worth the SQUEEZE?

I try to make myself happier day-to-day. It is essential for my well-being to attempt to better myself in some way each day, or to at least reflect on the negativity and use it for good. Then again, sometimes it’s just a shitty day. I keep coming back to the same equation, however. When I look at my life from the day I arrived in Stillwater to tomorrow, which will come in a few hours, do the HAPPY DAYS outweigh the SHITTY DAYS? Sadly, no. They don’t. It’s not even really a close race. 😦

I guess what I’m trying to say is, I’m at a crossroads. I’m at the point where I am considering going back to Texas. I am mapping out the ride home in my head on a daily basis. I don’t see it as giving up. Maybe more like, giving in. Surrendering to what feels right to me. Are my neural pathways just abandoning reason?  The battle between my head and my heart is waging on in mad fury!!! I’m scared my impulsive nature will perhaps lead me to make a rash decision.

The main reason this decision weighs so heavy is because it truly is a decision that I must make concerning me and only me. If I can’t make myself happy and be confident in my place–wherever that may be–then nothing in my life will be happy. And if I’m making the wrong decision, I am the lone ranger who will walk through that valley alone with the realization of my bad choice. The success lies in the aftermath.