a story without end.

When I began this blog a few months ago,  I had no idea that it would turn out to be such a form of therapy. I wanted to tell my story. In doing so, I hoped to better understand my situation and hopefully help others who may have a story like mine. In researching different aspects of what happened in my life, I had many hits and misses. Unfortunately, I was unable to find anything that really compared to my situation. I did, however, discover that I am not alone in my search for identity or lack thereof.

I find that more often than not, people who are trying to find their birth parents have a much more difficult time trying to locate them, and many are unsuccessful. The process of locating relatives is a long, difficult, and sometimes painful process. Even though my situation is multifaceted and much different from other people’s, I can still say that when I finally did come face to face with my biological father, the face of the problem turned into more of an opportunity than a disappointment.

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is the juice worth the squeeze?

“Some of you say, ‘Joy is greater than sorrow,’ and others say, ‘Nay, sorrow is the greater.’ But I say unto you, they are inseparable. Together they come, and when one sits alone with you at your board, remember that the other is asleep upon your bed.”–Kahlil Gibran (The Prophet)

It has been said and widely agreed upon that it takes between 21-28 days to form a habit. Some say it takes the same amount of time to break a habit. I disagree. If anything, I would assume it takes double this time to stop doing something you have made into a behavior. When something becomes so ingrained in your mind, the neural pathways of your mind become trained to think a certain way…or jump to a specific conclusion or way of thinking. Although I am only speaking from my personal experience, I believe that this is a natural human delimma…Have you ever thought your mind or your thoughts are betraying what your heart is feeling? This is another issue that science seeks to answer: Does the battle between head and heart truly exist? I am here to say…no to SCREAM!!!! from the rooftops that it does.

I have been back in Oklahoma and here in Stillwater for about 10 months now. It is hard to believe that in June, I will have lived in this “new chapter in my life” for almost a year. As this semester comes near to a close, and I consider my “level of happiness” if you will…(I figure I should gauge my feelings of my surroundings and new family at this point in time and measure them to what I consider to be acceptable for myself.) Is this where I wanted to be almost one year ago? Is this what I envisioned for myself and my future? Am I satisfied? Am I doing what is right for me…or rather, am I doing what I want? Is the JUICE worth the SQUEEZE?

I try to make myself happier day-to-day. It is essential for my well-being to attempt to better myself in some way each day, or to at least reflect on the negativity and use it for good. Then again, sometimes it’s just a shitty day. I keep coming back to the same equation, however. When I look at my life from the day I arrived in Stillwater to tomorrow, which will come in a few hours, do the HAPPY DAYS outweigh the SHITTY DAYS? Sadly, no. They don’t. It’s not even really a close race. 😦

I guess what I’m trying to say is, I’m at a crossroads. I’m at the point where I am considering going back to Texas. I am mapping out the ride home in my head on a daily basis. I don’t see it as giving up. Maybe more like, giving in. Surrendering to what feels right to me. Are my neural pathways just abandoning reason?  The battle between my head and my heart is waging on in mad fury!!! I’m scared my impulsive nature will perhaps lead me to make a rash decision.

The main reason this decision weighs so heavy is because it truly is a decision that I must make concerning me and only me. If I can’t make myself happy and be confident in my place–wherever that may be–then nothing in my life will be happy. And if I’m making the wrong decision, I am the lone ranger who will walk through that valley alone with the realization of my bad choice. The success lies in the aftermath.

FATAL attraction.

There are times when I wish I had never gone back to him. I cannot believe my own audacity, or the willingness with which I ran back into his arms. Then I think to myself, “If I could go back in time knowing what I know now, would I change anything? Would I do anything different?” When it comes to Jared, I cannot say with complete honesty that I would. And the realization of this fact scares me very much. Love makes you do crazy things. The power that a person can have over another is truly fascinating…and not in a good way. Of course, the ideal situation is to learn from your mistakes and take the lessons you received from the bad experiences with you to the next chapter. More often than not however, you usually jump headfirst into the next unhealthy relationship–sometimes even worse than the previous one. There were so many signs of heartbreak, but I ignored them and sometimes even adopted his unhealthy behaviors just to feel like I was running alongside him…that I was “on his level.”

My relationship with my biological father has really taken a turn for the worst. To say that I believe it is doomed is an understatement. I’m angry at him all the time, we fight like cats and dogs and I honestly feel deep inside me that he is without help. I could go on and on about how he makes me feel and the things that keep us from building a long, healthy relationship, but I would simply never stop typing….. I know that my relationship with Jared has a direct effect on my relationship with my father. The saddest part is, my father came into my life at the exact time that Jared left it. I had nothing to give my father but a bunch of broken little pieces of myself. A complete loss of my “sense of self” had washed over me; I was in a state of complete shock. I wonder if I am still experiencing symptoms of post-traumatic stress disorder. With PTSD,  you can often have the feeling of re-experience. It can feel like you are re-living the pain just as it hit you at the initial moment. PTSD can also make you “emotionally numb” and cause you to react t0 totally unrelated situations in a way that you normally would not. This is very interesting  because at times, my mind feels like it’s rushing to place I don’t want to go. After so many times, the brain can train itself to retreat or react to a certain situation in anger and sometimes even rage. This is the beginning of a behavior changing into a habit. I do not want anger to become habit.

Until we pass through this valley, it seems to be that the only thing that I can do right now is try to re-train my brain. Until I can cognitively accept these truths and possibly begin to cherish them, I must save my sanity and keep myself as close to “me” as I can. I used to write all the time…maybe I’ll pick that up again. We are always telling ourselves to make time in our day for ourselves, to set aside a few moments to do something important to us. It’s time to stop making excuses, Kelsey!! I have started to employ breathing techniques and can honestly say this helps…for about 5 minutes. 🙂

It is amazing to me to discover how many tendencies those in situations like this one are prone to exhibiting. Even though I have him now, has too much time passed between us? Or maybe it’s the kind of time. By the time I found out about him, I had done so much of my growing up…I had become myself through my experiences and my life at that time was defined by my independence. It seems like I am placing blame on my father–but it’s much different than that. I’m just still so very unsure. Mother told me to “never talk to strangers,” but here I am depending on one.

Open your eyes.

a “feel-good” moment.

“And in the sweetness of friendship let there be laughter, and sharing of pleasures. For in the dew of little things the heart finds its morning and is refreshed.” –Kahlil Gibran, “The Prophet”

I spent my Saturday night in Edmon Low finishing a project that should have been done weeks ago…but thank goodness I had two amazing girls by my side, suffering right along with me. Leaving behind so many friends and relationships in Texas has made me feel a real sense of loss and longing…I am often convinced I made a horrible decision in coming back to Oklahoma. And then I think…this was my home to begin with. But… I created a life in Houston. A life all my own, even with all the pitfalls and disappointments. Deep down, I know that this is where I need to be at this chapter in my life, though often times I feel like I gave up on the independent life I had in Texas. I ask myself, did I make this move out of desperation? Was I just afraid of hitting rock-bottom or did I subconsciously realize the road I was heading down was actually a downward spiral? The events that transpired that year had really shook me to my core, and I truly believe that if I had stayed in Houston at that time, I would be in a very different place today. Maybe not here at all. I have to remind myself that I chose to give up that life…that the life that I lost myself in had given up on me.

At 25, it’s scary to come back into the university experience after taking a break for three years and realize that most of my classmates are younger than I am in age. Even as a senior, my peers are at least a few years behind me. By no means are they any less mature than I, but sometimes I find myself feeling that I’ve lived a little more…seen a little more…experienced a little more they they. It was so refreshing to lose myself in the company of new friends and forget about whatever it was I told myself I was missing back in Houston. As we worked together on a common goal, we built upon our newfound friendship. As we slaved away on our procrastinated assignment, we also laughed out loud and created inside jokes among us.

As I listened to one of the ladies recount the events of their Friday night, I realized I had felt the first real pang of satisfaction and contentment since moving back to Oklahoma.  I walked down the library stairs beside them and out into the courtyard.  One, two, three…exhale.

Blinded by Love.

 
“Love is a temporary madness. It erupts like an earthquake and then subsides. And when it subsides you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether your roots have become so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part.”
 
 

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